no air

I feel like shit, okay? I'm just walking around, waiting for you to get in touch and to actually care enough to call me, to do anything. It hurts me and I just keep on waiting, even though I know I should give up, I should stop. But I just wish you could love me, you know? Or, I don't know, I'm not sure I want your love anymore. I wanted it so much for so long and it's hard to realise that it's not like that anymore. It's hard to realise that you stopped loving me for me just being myself.

I actually considered making a CD with songs I mean and send it to you. How pathetic isn't that? But I can't help it, I keep listening to songs that tell me to do everything in my power to hurt you as much as you have hurt me. But I can't, because you're so over me. And it's unfair, you were able to start to get over me way before I could and it FUCKING HURTS. You fucking hurt me by just existing without being here for me. I thought you were my best friend and the love of my life and in the end you're just another guy reacting like every other guy would have. You're not special and you're not different. You think with your dick and natural instincts like every other fucking guy and you can't even start to think about how I feel without freaking out and trying to hide beneath your bed, wishing Us had never happened.

I feel broken. Not heartbroken, just broken. Everything I believed in has just ended, because of you or because of you just being like every other guy. I realise now that no-one will love me for me, because every guy reacts the same way and there's no way a guy could handle me and my fucked up mind and you proved it. I used to believe that I'd in the end find someone willing to love me for me and who'd I love more than anything. But it's impossible. All guys are the same and no guy will ever want me or love me. And it sucks, because I used to believe in love more than anything.

And it's not just you. Everything is ending, everything that was ever sure in my life isn't anymore. And I know that how I imagine things is just in my head, I know that every time I think something will happen, it doesn't. So why I thought you'd be special and we'd be together forever is just stupid, since I imagined it so many times, all the time and I was sure it would happen, but I knew it wouldn't. What I imagine never happens. And I imagine love all the time. All. The. Time. I live for my imagination and in my head, anything can happen. Someone can love me. But they can't in reality and I know that now. And that is why I hurt.

And I don't hate you for not loving me, there's no idea in doing that. I hate you for actually pretending we could be friends, for actually thinking that friends treat eachother the way you have been treating me. You haven't gotten in touch with me by yourself. You've answered my texts, my messages and everything you've gotten from me, but you haven't actually bothered to start a conversation. You've been running. You've been weak. And if there's something I hate, it's weakness. It's easy to hate you for it.

And no, I'm not writing this for you to pay any attention to me. I just need to get it out of my system and I need to know that you've been reading it. I know you think that it's useless for us to be friends anyway, I get it, I understand it. You don't think that exes can be friends and after seeing how you are with your other ex, I know it's true. Or, maybe it's possible - but it's not for you. There's too much work and you barely have the energy to get through your everyday as it is. Why bother being friends with someone who only sucks out the energy out of the room anyway? Why bother being friends with someone who's clearly mentally disturbed? Why bother being friends with someone who isn't worth the effort?

I get it. I understand. I hope you understand that I just wanted you to make an effort for me for once, like you haven't done ever before. Not once. I just wanted to pretend that I was worth it, if only for a little while. But I get it. I'm not.


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